I haven’t written in a while, largely because I’m in a relationship and I don’t think it’s fair to the person I’m dating. But since this is about an ex, it doesn’t count. I was just going to let it slide, but after having a dream about it last night I decided I probably need to just write it out.
A week or two ago I got a blank text message. It was an empty bubble from a local number that looked vaguely familiar but wasn’t saved in my phone. Since I’ve had the same number since I was 16, the area code is from back home. If I’m getting text messages from a Bay Area number, it’s usually not by accident. I did a quick google search of the number to see if it popped up as anything obvious, but nothing. Out of a hunch, I searched for an ex on Facebook since sometimes people post their numbers on their page. We’re not friends anymore, but something in my gut said “hey, check him.”
And that’s when I saw it, he’s in a relationship.
Okay, that in and of itself is nothing tragic. I entered into a relationship 6 months after this guy and I broke up and I’m already in a serious enough place that we’re going to France in May. (!!!!!!) But it’s when the relationship was listed as a beginning date. January 2016.
We didn’t break up until February.
I can’t say that I’m horribly surprised, but it still just… stings. I know that I’m so much better off now. Our relationship ended after I made a joke to cover my insecurities about our financial differences and we got into a fight. The man I’m with now not only understands and doesn’t judge, he helped me build a budget so I could feel more confident.
It’s not that I want the ex back, I just hate that he didn’t respect me enough to keep it in his pants until after he’d broken up with me. Not that I’m all that surprised. While we were dating he admitted to me that he cheated on his ex, and then when she gave him an ultimatum (I presume not knowing about the once-off get off) of “Propose or leave” he moved out in a day. He’s someone who can’t deal with his shit. I was a victim of it. And one day so will the girl he’s dating.
And that’s where things get messy. I feel really bad for his girlfriend.
She looks nice. Per her facebook, she works for a Church. (I didn’t snoop that hard, she just doesn’t have a lot public.) Also based on the “ooooh look at you with a boy” comments on the few shared pictures they have public, she doesn’t date a ton. I know how enthralling he is, how fast he sweeps you up. I want to tell her that when day he smashes her heart because he can’t deal with difficult situations that it’s not her fault.
I want to warn her about him.
I feel protective of her, a complete stranger. It probably has little to do with her. Maybe I’m just wishing someone had protected me. Of all the times another woman has entered into the equation, she’s never stopped to think about me. Maybe it’s all the more reason I shouldn’t care, but that’s just the person I am.
I won’t actually say anything. That’s a bullet train to crazy town, and even if I did, it wouldn’t fix anything. I would just be the cause of the hurt, the start of the pain. If she’d even believe me.
And maybe the point is that I want to hurt him. I want to crush his relationship. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. Okay, maybe not that extreme. But that’s probably a little bit of it. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I’m honest about.
Like I said, I won’t do anything. But it’s been sitting on my brain. Writing about it helped it make a bit more sense.
And hey, not that you’ll ever see it, but so at least know that I’ve said it… Anna, when it breaks your heart, just know it’s not your fault. I know he’s enthralling and I’m sure he’s planned magical adventures and what type of dogs you’ll have. I’m sure you can’t imagine it ending. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he finally got some help to deal with whatever issues lay beneath the surface. But, don’t hold your breath. Enjoy what you can, but know that when it ends it’s not you. It’s him. And it will hurt, but you will get through it, and on the other side you’ll find someone real, not some manic pixie dream boy. You’ll see all the things that make him magical are actually red flags. Better things await, because you deserve better.
I deserved better.